“I vow to cultivate loving speech and deep listening in order to bring joy and happiness to others and relieve others of their suffering.” —Thich Nhat Hanh
“You can practice deep…compassionate listening…listen only for the purpose of relieving suffering in the other person.” —Thich Nhat Hanh
We all hear, but do we truly listen? Much conversation is merely the trading of words. There is nothing wrong with this, let us say, small talk. But what about true communication? What is it that has us really connect with another person in a way that is meaningful? How do we, as Thich Nhat Hanh says, relieve suffering in the other person?
This has been of interest to me for many years. I have been studying communication/listening for over 35 years. Several years ago, I had the honor of being connected with a teacher who listened in a very particular and powerful way. In more recent years of my research, I took on a time that I held a context of being the way this woman listened. Doing so helped me to develop the sort of listening I experienced she did later adding the label, deep compassionate listening when I heard Thich Nhat Hanh speak it.
After connection and trust, listening is the third grounding principle of The Surround. This came to light at a meeting early on in its existence. A man, who had no experience in this type of men’s group, called to say he was coming to the meeting but may not speak. I assured him this was fine. At the point in the meeting when he had a chance to speak, he proceeded to reveal details of his life that would be difficult for any man to speak. It was remarkable and moving.
This expression got me to think that something special was available to men in The Surround. On the drive home, I realized it was the listening that I provided. Further, I noticed that the men who attended regularly were also bringing this type of listening collectively.
So how can one cultivate this in themselves? Some of this answer may sound a bit strange, but we are in rarely charted territory so bear with me. As some eastern religions have introduced the third eye, I think that a ‘third ear’ is listening deeply and compassionately. The experience of this listening, is that I first hear and acknowledge what the voice in my head is saying. Yes, that’s the voice, the one saying, “What voice?” Being mindful of this voice, it’s running commentary, it’s being distracted and being distracting, clears space for my listening for the other person. They can speak into an open, compassionate space. It allows me to be fully present to their words, their joy, their pain, their suffering.
Where does speaking come into this? What do I say in response? Most of the time, it seems that no words are necessary; but, of course, it would be weird to just get up and walk away. When I am deeply listening in this way, mindful of their words and those within me, what there is to say comes out, seemingly from my heart. The words flow out, and connect. They are few and they provide understanding and healing.
In many ways, this is the secret ingredient of The Surround, the thing that sets it apart. At each meeting, we create a space of deep, compassionate listening. Men are allowed to bring their joys, victories, challenges, pain, and suffering. This is not something that we force or manage to happen. It just occurs. Along with the connection and trust the men bring to one another, they naturally bring this listening. It is the true gift they give one another during the meetings and in the days between.